1
00:00:02,306 --> 00:00:04,308
♪♪ [theme]

2
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:17,207
Penny for your
thoughts, Frank.

3
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:18,817
For God's sake, why?

4
00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:20,210
Looked important.

5
00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:22,299
His forehead's
all puckered up.

6
00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,475
So are all my inwards.

7
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:27,696
Radar, I don't
remember this road
being this terrible.

8
00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:30,090
FRANK:
There's nothing the matter
with the road, Pierce.

9
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:33,005
You're just feeling punk.
[laughing]

10
00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:35,878
Me? I'm in fine fettle.

11
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:37,749
I've never felt fettler.

12
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,795
You're telling me
you're not hung over?

13
00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:42,276
Oh, that's what it is!

14
00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:45,540
I thought somebody
painted a base coat
of fuzz on my tongue.

15
00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:47,324
Well, don't think I didn't
see how much you drank

16
00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:49,848
at the medical conference.
You were disgusting.

17
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,154
How about me, Frank?

18
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,852
-You weren't so bad.
-Really?

19
00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:56,028
I was trying to be
disgusting, too.

20
00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:01,469
-Holy cow!
-Easy, Radar.

21
00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:03,732
My head's coming off
at the dotted line.

22
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:07,170
38th Parallel
Medical Society. Ha.

23
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:09,999
Just an excuse
for boozing your brains out.

24
00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:12,132
Well, I, for one,
discussed medicine.

25
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,742
Oh, I heard you.

26
00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:15,265
Accusing
a French gynecologist

27
00:02:15,309 --> 00:02:17,311
of not taking his work
seriously.

28
00:02:17,354 --> 00:02:18,921
Uh-huh.

29
00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:20,488
[clatter]

30
00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:23,012
We home yet?

31
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,361
Torn-up road, Colonel.

32
00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:26,581
We're in
Con Edison country.

33
00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:28,452
You all right, Radar?

34
00:02:28,496 --> 00:02:31,325
I'm fine, sir, but I think
the bus is gonna have kittens.

35
00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,200
Where are we?

36
00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:38,941
Been wanting to talk
to you about that, sir.

37
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:41,422
Where we are mostly,
at the moment, is lost.

38
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,989
-I think I better pull over.
-Pull over, Radar.

39
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,442
We can't be lost!

40
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,052
We are, Frank.
I've been lost before,

41
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:04,749
and this is exactly
what it looks like.

42
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,447
Anybody got a compass?

43
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:08,144
I got a neat one
in San Francisco.

44
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,501
What are you doing?

45
00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:19,416
The breeze is coming
from that direction.

46
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,635
Thank you.
Now all we have to do

47
00:03:20,678 --> 00:03:22,637
is trade the bus
for an airplane.

48
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,247
-Colonel.
-Yeah, Radar.

49
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:26,162
-We may not be lost.
-How so?

50
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,120
I think I remember
that tree.

51
00:03:28,164 --> 00:03:31,211
Radar, that tree has the same
face as every other tree.

52
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,603
Your marbles are shifting.

53
00:03:32,647 --> 00:03:33,822
I say we go on.

54
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:35,606
I say we go back.

55
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,782
Each officer will
go a hundred yards

56
00:03:37,826 --> 00:03:39,958
in a different direction,
see if we can find

57
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:42,439
any signs of village
life or other roads.

58
00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:44,093
A hundred yards. No more.

59
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:46,443
A hundred yards?
In these woods?

60
00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:48,880
Well, take one
of the enlisted men
with you, Major.

61
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,099
[laughing]

62
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,932
[birds chirping]

63
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,423
-See anything, Corporal?
-Just the bus, sir.

64
00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:11,120
We know what's there.

65
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:13,209
It's there
we're worried about.

66
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,733
I like that there-there
a whole lot better, sir.

67
00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:18,649
Corporal, take the point.

68
00:04:18,693 --> 00:04:20,303
Hey! Why me?

69
00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:22,305
Oh, you present
less of a target.

70
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,742
Anyway, they love
to pick off officers.

71
00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:26,701
We're the cream
of our generation.

72
00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:28,659
I'm sort of the cream
of my family, sir.

73
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:31,053
Besides, I can cover you
better from the rear.

74
00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:33,447
Ah! My rear would feel
a whole lot safer

75
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,362
if you were in front
of it, sir!

76
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:36,624
All right.
Move out, soldier.

77
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,452
-Move!
-Oh, boy.

78
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,374
[whispers]
O'Reilly?

79
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:48,897
Up ahead, sir.

80
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:51,291
There's something going on
behind that tree.

81
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,641
I'm goin' on
behind that tree, sir.

82
00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:56,252
Corporal!

83
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,564
Would you say we've
gone a hundred yards?

84
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:06,175
Uh, for my money,
we have. Yes, sir.

85
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:08,220
-Let's go back.
-I'll take the point.

86
00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:13,704
Any luck?

87
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:14,966
Just woods
and more woods.

88
00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:16,098
I met a little girl

89
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:17,360
with a basket
for her grandma.

90
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:18,753
Wearing a red
riding hood?

91
00:05:18,796 --> 00:05:20,407
Actually, she was
with seven little dwarfs.

92
00:05:20,450 --> 00:05:22,104
-She's in the wrong woods.
-Or the wrong story.

93
00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:23,627
Are you finished,
Doctors?

94
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:24,628
You? Yeah.

95
00:05:24,672 --> 00:05:25,890
[rustling]

96
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:31,809
Burns?

97
00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,681
Uh, sighted nothing,
reporting same.

98
00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:35,378
A simple "crapped out"
will be sufficient, Major.

99
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,119
Yes, sir.

100
00:05:37,162 --> 00:05:38,599
Well, if we don't know
where we're goin',

101
00:05:38,642 --> 00:05:40,340
we do know
where we've been.

102
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:43,168
My decision is to
turn this animal around,

103
00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:45,693
head back where we were,
get new directions,

104
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:47,390
start out all over again.

105
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:48,696
Mount up, people.

106
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:53,396
-This your first trip?
-Oh, shut your gizzard!

107
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,876
Just a joke, Frank.

108
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:58,183
Pierce!
Uh, do me a favor.

109
00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:01,186
We're all in this together.
I know you don't like me.

110
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,363
That's just an ugly rumor
started by someone

111
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:04,929
who heard me say
I don't like you.

112
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:08,498
Well, till we're back
safe, no jokes, okay?

113
00:06:08,542 --> 00:06:10,021
-Right.
-Thanks.

114
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:15,636
Now, that's a handshake
for you. Strong and wet.

115
00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:18,639
Wait a minute.

116
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:21,990
Don't move.

117
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:27,125
[engine cranking]

118
00:06:27,169 --> 00:06:29,998
I'm hungry.
Lost and hungry.

119
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:32,087
I remember the act.

120
00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:34,568
They sure served some good
chow at the society meeting.

121
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:36,526
Oh, the steaks
were great.

122
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:39,442
Steaks? Frank,
you ate the steaks?

123
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:41,009
First one I've had in a year.

124
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:43,446
You realize they served them
right after the autopsy.

125
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,666
You said no more jokes.

126
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:46,971
Who's joking?

127
00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:49,147
My lamb chop had
a wedding ring on it.

128
00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:51,236
What's wrong, Radar?

129
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:52,803
I don't know, sir.
She won't start.

130
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:54,457
-Got plenty of gas?
-Got plenty of gas.

131
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,459
I think we might
have busted something

132
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:57,808
on that last big bump.

133
00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,028
Oh, swell.
We can't go forward,

134
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:01,551
and we can't go back.

135
00:07:02,726 --> 00:07:03,988
It's a sign from heaven.

136
00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:05,903
-The war is over.
-Now what?

137
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:08,471
We burn our uniforms,
go home, get married,

138
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:10,299
and breed a new batch
of draftees for the next one.

139
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:11,561
Hear, hear.

140
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,345
Let's finish this one
first, shall we?

141
00:07:15,130 --> 00:07:17,132
[tapping]

142
00:07:17,175 --> 00:07:19,439
Uh, there's something
wrong here, sir.

143
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,963
Sir, there's something
really wrong here.

144
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:24,400
At least if it was a horse,
we could shoot it.

145
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:25,445
[chuckling]

146
00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:26,750
Fine leadership.

147
00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:28,665
What would you do?

148
00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:30,014
If this unit were
still in my command,

149
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:31,494
you'd soon find out.

150
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,496
I spent a week with you
in command, Frank.

151
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:35,237
You lost me when you
rigged the toilet seats

152
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,456
to rise to attention.

153
00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:38,370
Only for inspection.

154
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:40,895
What are you beating
your gums about, Major?

155
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:43,071
Well, Colonel, I don't
think you appreciate

156
00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:44,376
the true nature
of our situation,

157
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,117
uh, gravity-wise speaking.

158
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:48,729
Unless I'm mistaken,
we're lost, we can't move,

159
00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:50,948
we've got no food
or water, no blankets,

160
00:07:50,992 --> 00:07:52,341
no communications.

161
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:53,995
Night is falling.

162
00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:56,563
We may be right now
in enemy territory,

163
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,565
an enemy that would think
nothing of giving us

164
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:01,132
bamboo manicures right
up to our knuckles.

165
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:02,743
[nervous laugh]

166
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:06,007
Followed by boiling
egg-drop colonics.

167
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:08,531
Does that sound
like the proper
appreciation, Major?

168
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:09,967
-Pretty much, sir.
-Thank you.

169
00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:11,142
[clears throat]

170
00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:12,535
-Gimme that!
-Aah!

171
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:13,928
You get in
the driver's seat.

172
00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:15,407
When I tell you to turn
her over, turn her over.

173
00:08:15,451 --> 00:08:17,235
-Roger?
-Roger, wilco, sir.

174
00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:18,759
You know anything
about engines, Major?

175
00:08:18,802 --> 00:08:20,804
Oh, I took a lot of shop
in high school.

176
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,545
I wouldn't take shop
from anyone.

177
00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:29,770
You planning to fix it
or buy it, Frank?

178
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:31,206
Oh, hardy-har.

179
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,124
This is all getting more
than a little uncomfortable,

180
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,734
spooky-wise speaking.

181
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,214
FRANK:
Turn her over.

182
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,564
-[engine cranking]
-Aah!

183
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,351
Are you crazy?

184
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:48,789
I did what you said!

185
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,268
That's the last thing
he needs.

186
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:51,531
Gimme that, Frank.

187
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:52,749
I'm against
capital punishment.

188
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,055
Well, I've done
all I can do.

189
00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:55,665
It's now in the hands
of the Almighty.

190
00:08:55,709 --> 00:08:57,406
Speaking for myself,

191
00:08:57,449 --> 00:08:59,147
that's not the worst
news I've heard today.

192
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:01,410
-Colonel, look what I found.
-A walkie-talkie!

193
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:02,846
Only thing is
the other one's back

194
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:04,500
at the camp,
and it's busted.

195
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,067
Any Allied personnel,
this is Major Frank Burns,

196
00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:09,505
MASH 4077.
S.O.S. and Mayday.

197
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,072
Come in,
any Allied personnel.

198
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:12,856
Major, there have to be
two of those things.

199
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,554
Someone else has
to have the other one,

200
00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:16,251
and he has to be
on your frequency.

201
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:18,253
-It's no fun alone, Frank.
-What is?

202
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,298
Any Allied personnel.
Can you read me?

203
00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:22,779
I'll give you my location.
Can you read me?

204
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,520
Major, the other end
of that gizmo

205
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,262
is on the fritz
and 20 miles from here!

206
00:09:27,305 --> 00:09:30,091
It only carries
half a mile
when it does work!

207
00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:32,572
Any Allied personnel.
Here is my position.

208
00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:34,791
Uh, there is a fighter
plane approaching,

209
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:37,141
and, uh, when I say "now,"

210
00:09:37,185 --> 00:09:39,317
the jet will be
directly over my head.

211
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:41,189
[jet zooming]

212
00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:42,407
Now!

213
00:09:44,801 --> 00:09:47,412
[laughing]
Frank.

214
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:50,285
That thing's a thousand feet up
and going 500 miles an hour.

215
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,765
By the time
you said "now,"

216
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:53,070
the plane was
in its hangar

217
00:09:53,114 --> 00:09:54,419
and the pilot was
in his jammies.

218
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:55,638
I was just
trying to help!

219
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:58,336
Stop trying. That should
help right off.

220
00:09:58,380 --> 00:09:59,860
Nothing like
a little appreciation.

221
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:01,165
It's busted.

222
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:02,514
-Radar.
-Yo?

223
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:04,647
-Try it one more time.
-Yes, sir.

224
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:11,741
I've been
in worse spots.

225
00:10:11,785 --> 00:10:13,830
Have you ever tried
getting dressed quietly

226
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,789
in a dark closet
with a pocketful of change?

227
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,312
[chuckles]

228
00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:20,489
[engine cranks, dies]

229
00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:23,927
[engine stalling]

230
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:27,017
RADAR: No soap, sir.

231
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,587
World War I,
Argonne Forest.

232
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:32,936
Lost and hungry then, too.

233
00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:34,503
Couldn't find my outfit.

234
00:10:34,546 --> 00:10:38,072
After three days,
I was ready to eat my socks.

235
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:40,335
Nothing to do but wait.

236
00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:41,684
At least everything
turned out all right.

237
00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:43,686
Right. I was taken prisoner.

238
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:46,297
They shaved my head
and beat me to a pulp.

239
00:10:55,829 --> 00:11:00,660
[crickets chirping]

240
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:11,453
I think I'm
getting delirious.

241
00:11:11,496 --> 00:11:13,498
I'm just having warm,
friendly thoughts

242
00:11:13,542 --> 00:11:16,632
about the gourmet leftovers
at the 4077 chow line.

243
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:21,071
Listen, we'll be okay.

244
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:23,726
-Of course we will.
-You betcha.

245
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,119
I'm not scared.

246
00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,599
Any Allied personnel,
if you receive me,

247
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,037
here is my position.
Ready?

248
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,301
Uh... there are only
about half a dozen

249
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:35,912
stars visible, sky-wise.

250
00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:38,175
I am directly under
the brightest one.

251
00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:39,960
-Over.
-Terrific, Frank.

252
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,005
They'll start searching
for us in Bethlehem.

253
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:47,968
Shh. Hey, listen.

254
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:50,318
What, did you hear
something out there?

255
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:52,842
No.

256
00:11:52,886 --> 00:11:55,062
No, I guess not, sir.

257
00:11:55,105 --> 00:11:57,586
It's probably
just, uh, an animal.

258
00:11:57,629 --> 00:11:59,240
HAWKEYE:
Hope it's one of ours.

259
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,983
Radar's radar's jammed.

260
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,549
If it wasn't,
would we be here?

261
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:06,334
FRANK: Oh, sure, Pierce.

262
00:12:06,377 --> 00:12:07,770
Blame it all on O'Reilly.

263
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,511
You just go back
to being Tom Swift

264
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:11,513
and his electric
paranoid, okay?

265
00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:17,519
It's nobody's fault.
You know that.

266
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:18,955
I know.

267
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,435
POTTER:
Of course it isn't.

268
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:21,610
I know.

269
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:27,485
Hey, this is no way
to throw a party.

270
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:29,574
How about some stories
before we rejoin the ladies?

271
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:32,229
Now you're cookin'.
What kind of stories?

272
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,318
The first time
love conquered all.

273
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,885
Ah.

274
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:37,017
Colonel Potter?

275
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:40,411
It was back in World War I.

276
00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:41,717
In the Argonne Forest.

277
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,806
After Chateau-Thierry,
actually.

278
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:46,809
I took a load of gas
that blinded me temporarily.

279
00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:50,813
Spent over a month
in a French hospital
with my eyes bandaged.

280
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:53,773
Nurse's name was Colette.

281
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,557
Colette.

282
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,124
The darkness I lived in

283
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:59,474
was relieved only by
the sound of her voice,

284
00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:01,650
the touch of her hand.

285
00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:05,828
Then finally the day came
for the bandages to come off.

286
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:07,874
When they undid
the last of them,

287
00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:10,833
there she was: Colette.

288
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,749
-And?
-I pretended
I was still blind.

289
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:18,101
And that was
your first romance?

290
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:19,494
Yeah, but I couldn't
have handled it

291
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:20,930
without the bandages.

292
00:13:20,974 --> 00:13:22,497
Ha ha.

293
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,412
Radar, you're next.

294
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:27,850
Huh? Oh, uh...

295
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:29,809
listen, would you guys
come back to me, please?

296
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:32,333
I gotta go to the latrine.

297
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,857
You'll have to take a hammer
and nails and build one.

298
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:36,946
I'll manage.

299
00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:38,556
B.J.: No wonder the trees
all look familiar to him.

300
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:44,127
-Frank?
-I was just lying here!

301
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:45,259
Come on. Join the party.

302
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:46,564
Give us your story.

303
00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:47,914
POTTER:
Be a sport for once.

304
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,178
Well...

305
00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:59,621
Uh, it, uh, was, uh,
during my sophomore year.

306
00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:03,364
She was a little brunette
of Jewish persuasion.

307
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:04,974
I wonder who persuaded
her to be that.

308
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:07,324
Helen Rappaport.
Smart as a whip.

309
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:09,196
They've all got rhythm,
you know.

310
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:10,850
Right! Ha ha ha ha!

311
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:13,069
Ha ha ha. Anyhoo,

312
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:15,463
we were on opposite sides
of the class debate:

313
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:18,074
"Should Father Coughlin
be our next president?"

314
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,511
She talked very fast
and won.

315
00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:22,557
Then, I-I think
to make it up to me,

316
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,733
she, uh, offered
to drive me home.

317
00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:26,735
[giggling] On the way,

318
00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:30,043
she pulled this old gag
about running out of gas.

319
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:31,827
Ha ha!
Never fooled me, boy.

320
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:32,872
[sigh]

321
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,569
Ah. Yeah.

322
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,353
She was really
warm for my form.

323
00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:37,746
And did you oblige?

324
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:39,356
I couldn't.

325
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,618
Creep.

326
00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:42,794
I wanted to save myself
for Miss Right.

327
00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:44,013
Miss Right?

328
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,797
Orville and Wilbur's
sister.

329
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:47,843
She invented the first
airplane stewardess.

330
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,063
I'm referring to
the present Mrs. Burns,

331
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:51,673
neither which of us
approved of that sort

332
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,631
of happiness
before marriage.

333
00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:55,938
Okay, Hawk, you're up.

334
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:58,593
Yeah, in a second.

335
00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:05,469
Radar?

336
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:09,473
Radar?

337
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,141
I'm gonna go look for him.

338
00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:26,273
POTTER:
No, sir.

339
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:28,231
-B.J.'ll come with me.
-Sure.

340
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:29,667
With the two of us,
we'll be fine.

341
00:15:29,711 --> 00:15:30,973
And leave me alone
with Burns?

342
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:33,193
He's more boring
asleep than awake.

343
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,499
[muttering]

344
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:37,240
He's asleep now.

345
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:38,850
He's probably
dreaming about home.

346
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,330
How rich he's gonna get

347
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:42,506
taking out healthy
gall bladders.

348
00:15:42,550 --> 00:15:45,509
Hawkeye, we're none of us
going wandering around
out there.

349
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:47,294
Unacceptable procedure.
Also stupid.

350
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:48,773
I won't have it.

351
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,167
We can't look for him
till it gets light out.

352
00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:54,997
Uhh!

353
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:56,216
Easy, Burns!

354
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:58,609
Put that thing away.
Cochise is gone.

355
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,481
We formed the bus
into a circle.

356
00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:01,612
Is he back yet?

357
00:16:01,656 --> 00:16:03,005
No, not yet.

358
00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:05,051
-No, huh?
-No, huh. That's right, huh.

359
00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:09,620
Be a shame if something
happened to him.

360
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:11,709
Burns, go back to sleep.
That's an order.

361
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:14,277
Well, what did I do?
Look, I liked Radar too!

362
00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:17,585
You talk about Radar
in the past tense
one more time,

363
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,326
and I'm gonna show you
how to be a tail gunner!

364
00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:22,024
Steady, guys, huh?

365
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:23,373
I think it's agreed
we all like him.

366
00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:25,549
Except whoever
wrote me anonymously

367
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:27,551
that Radar was selling
tickets to the hole

368
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,813
in the nurses' shower.

369
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:29,945
Well, it wasn't me!

370
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,338
Why would I think it was you?

371
00:16:31,381 --> 00:16:32,861
Because I know people
think that that's

372
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:34,341
just the kind
of thing I might do.

373
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:35,429
Well, why did you do it?

374
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:36,734
Because I felt it
was my duty.

375
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,040
I thought you said
you didn't do it.

376
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,087
I thought I did, too.

377
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:43,002
-[branch snaps]
-Shh, shh!

378
00:16:44,394 --> 00:16:46,309
[rustling]

379
00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:47,745
There's something out there.

380
00:16:51,923 --> 00:16:54,448
Will you stick that
in your holster?

381
00:16:54,491 --> 00:16:56,232
-Is it Radar?
-I wish I was home.

382
00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:57,755
I wish you was
home too, Frank.

383
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:00,584
Hey!

384
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:06,286
[speaking Korean]

385
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:08,679
He's attacking.
He wants us to surrender.

386
00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:10,768
Either that or he's asking
if this bus goes downtown.

387
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,770
[speaking Korean]

388
00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:17,993
He's surrendering
to us!

389
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,386
Huh. Good thing for him.

390
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,127
I can plug an ace
of hearts at 50 feet.

391
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:22,998
I'll remember that if we're
attacked by a bridge club.

392
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,304
Let's go!

393
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,523
[shouting in Korean]

394
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:31,789
All right, fella.

395
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,052
All right.
You're okay now.

396
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:34,488
He's got a gash
in his leg.

397
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:36,142
Oh, okay, I'll
break out the kit.

398
00:17:36,185 --> 00:17:37,926
I wouldn't touch him.
He's probably booby trapped!

399
00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:39,580
Could go off in our faces!

400
00:17:39,623 --> 00:17:41,277
Burns, don't start
going on about going off.

401
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:43,714
-Let's get him inside.
-You may be right, Frank.

402
00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,281
I think what he's done
is he's cut a gash

403
00:17:45,325 --> 00:17:47,196
in his leg,
inserted a grenade,

404
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,503
and disguised it
with his own blood.

405
00:17:49,546 --> 00:17:51,070
Boy, are they clever.

406
00:17:58,164 --> 00:17:59,643
How's that?

407
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:01,602
Better? Better.

408
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:03,212
I been here
all this time,

409
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:04,866
I still can't speak
the language.

410
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:06,824
Well, you Americans figure
everybody understands English,

411
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,131
provided you speak it
slowly enough.

412
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:10,263
-Huh?
-Right.

413
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,354
-Burns.
-Sir?

414
00:18:14,397 --> 00:18:16,225
Didn't I see your picture
in the post office?

415
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:17,226
Hmm?

416
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,403
I wonder if he saw
Radar out there.

417
00:18:20,447 --> 00:18:21,665
That's right.

418
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,537
You could be giving
aid to someone

419
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:25,278
who killed
one of our own boys.

420
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:27,062
I don't mean Radar.
I'm sure he's alive.

421
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,455
I mean, reasonably sure.

422
00:18:28,498 --> 00:18:30,544
Frank, you keep putting
your foot in your mouth,

423
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:32,154
you're gonna end up
with athlete's tongue.

424
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:33,590
Okay, that does it.

425
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,026
Send a bill to
the People's Republic.

426
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:36,680
It's time we got
some shuteye.

427
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:39,030
Who wants to stand guard
over the prisoner first?

428
00:18:39,074 --> 00:18:40,031
-He does.
-He will.

429
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:41,685
-I do.
-Fine.

430
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,992
If you don't accidentally
shoot yourself first,

431
00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,689
I'll relieve you
in two hours.

432
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,213
If you do,
I'll relieve you earlier.

433
00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:49,215
That's it.
Let's get some kip.

434
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:10,932
One wrong move,
and it's curtains.

435
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,542
You get the message,
Mr. Moto?

436
00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:15,458
Yeah, I thought so.

437
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:18,157
You know plenty English.

438
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,289
Okay, friend.
I'm not a talkin' man.

439
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:21,986
Next time I talk,
this talks for me.

440
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:24,032
No questions asked. Curtains.

441
00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:26,382
You get the message,
pal o' mine?

442
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:29,080
I don't
chew my cabbage twice.

443
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,735
One wrong move,
and you'll find that out.

444
00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:34,608
I act. Zing!

445
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:37,088
That's the big kiss-off,
capisce?

446
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:43,051
I tend to, uh, shoot first
and talk later.

447
00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:45,358
Little habit I have.

448
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:48,622
Which you'll find out fast
if you get cute.

449
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,580
We straight on that? Huh?

450
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:58,501
Any Allied personnel.

451
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:00,721
Any Allied personnel.
I've begun to take prisoners.

452
00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:03,941
Request instructions
re prisoners,

453
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:06,248
or will be forced
to shoot same.

454
00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:09,295
Over and out.

455
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:11,340
Think you get the picture.
Right, amigo?

456
00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:22,351
[sigh]

457
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:44,373
Sir?

458
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:47,942
-Sir.
-[mutter]

459
00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:48,943
Sir?

460
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:51,989
Holy socks!

461
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,513
[gasps] Aah!

462
00:20:53,556 --> 00:20:54,731
O'Reilly?

463
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,646
Sir, I didn't mean
to wake you.

464
00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:58,648
Wake me?
You think I was asleep?

465
00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:00,955
No, I was just trying to see
what our prisoner'd do.

466
00:21:00,998 --> 00:21:02,870
I flushed him
out of the woods.

467
00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:04,306
Let me help you
with the chocolate.

468
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:05,394
That's not chocolate!

469
00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:06,482
Right.
It's not chocolate.

470
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:08,876
POTTER: What's goin' on?

471
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:10,617
Not one word about my
little sleeping trick.

472
00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:12,488
-Yes, sir.
-It's against the Geneva
Convention. Okay?

473
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:14,229
-Against the Convention.
-It's Corporal O'Reilly, sir.

474
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,535
-He's back!
-POTTER: Radar?

475
00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:17,101
-I'm back.
-B.J.: Radar? Ha!

476
00:21:17,145 --> 00:21:18,320
Hello, sir. Ha!

477
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:19,930
Hell of a time
to go AWOL, son.

478
00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:21,454
We kept your bus seat
just the way you left it!

479
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:24,195
Good to see you
back, buddy!

480
00:21:24,239 --> 00:21:25,719
We were worried
about you!

481
00:21:25,762 --> 00:21:27,242
[speaking Korean]

482
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:28,243
Oh, my gosh!

483
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,637
[speaking Korean]

484
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,595
Yes, yes, sir.
Thank you, I think.

485
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,554
Thank you. Fine. Fine.
Thank you. You lie down.

486
00:21:34,597 --> 00:21:36,904
B.J., relieve
Major Burns at guard.

487
00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:38,732
-Right.
-You come and tell us

488
00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:41,125
where you were
playin' hooky! Ha ha!

489
00:21:41,169 --> 00:21:43,040
RADAR:
Oh, my gosh.

490
00:21:43,084 --> 00:21:45,478
Oh, you'll be sorry.
He's wily.

491
00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:00,623
[sigh]

492
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:02,364
So in the dead
of night you decide

493
00:22:02,408 --> 00:22:04,627
to go off half-cocked
and get help.

494
00:22:04,671 --> 00:22:07,282
Well, gee, sir,
since I got us lost
and I broke the bus,

495
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,893
I figured I didn't need
your half-cocked permission.

496
00:22:09,937 --> 00:22:12,069
Anyway, the point
is that, uh,

497
00:22:12,113 --> 00:22:13,810
when I was wandering
around there,

498
00:22:13,854 --> 00:22:15,682
I didn't find no enemy,
so I figure we're safe

499
00:22:15,725 --> 00:22:17,118
as long as we can
get outta here.

500
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:18,772
Speaking of which,
enemy-wise,

501
00:22:18,815 --> 00:22:20,513
has anybody seen
our prisoner?

502
00:22:20,556 --> 00:22:22,166
There he is!

503
00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:25,082
Sabotage! He's tinkering
with our parts!

504
00:22:25,126 --> 00:22:26,823
Get away from there!
Gimme that!

505
00:22:26,867 --> 00:22:28,956
Easy! Frank, easy!
He's wounded, remember?

506
00:22:28,999 --> 00:22:31,001
Oh, wounded, sure!
That's how we lost China!

507
00:22:31,045 --> 00:22:32,525
By fixing a bus?

508
00:22:32,568 --> 00:22:33,961
Careful,
that could be loaded.

509
00:22:34,004 --> 00:22:35,702
All right! All right!
That settles it.

510
00:22:35,745 --> 00:22:38,269
We've finally run out of
food, water, and brains.

511
00:22:38,313 --> 00:22:41,708
We gotta get outta here,
which means walking.

512
00:22:41,751 --> 00:22:43,057
So, we walk.

513
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:45,059
[engine starting]

514
00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:50,369
[speaking Korean]

515
00:22:51,674 --> 00:22:52,936
Wish I knew how
to say thanks.

516
00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:54,460
Holy cow!

517
00:22:54,503 --> 00:22:57,027
POTTER: We're mighty
grateful for this, old man.

518
00:22:57,071 --> 00:22:58,638
FRANK:
Get outta my seat, Pierce.

519
00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:00,161
HAWKEYE: Oh,
shut your gob, Frank.

520
00:23:00,204 --> 00:23:02,598
Nick of time. I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse.

521
00:23:02,642 --> 00:23:04,905
-RADAR: Terrific!
-May the 1st Cavalry
forgive me.

522
00:23:04,948 --> 00:23:06,820
I think in the future
we should always stash

523
00:23:06,863 --> 00:23:08,125
something to eat
on this bus.

524
00:23:08,169 --> 00:23:09,953
Make a note
of that, Radar.

525
00:23:09,997 --> 00:23:13,043
Yes, sir. Like one of us could
just, uh, fill a ditty bag

526
00:23:13,087 --> 00:23:15,002
full of chocolate bars
and stuff.

527
00:23:15,045 --> 00:23:16,743
'Cause when you're
really hungry,

528
00:23:16,786 --> 00:23:18,440
you could fall asleep
when you're not supposed to.

529
00:23:18,484 --> 00:23:20,529
-Right, Major?
-He-e-ey!

530
00:23:20,573 --> 00:23:22,749
Wait a minute!
I just remembered.

531
00:23:22,792 --> 00:23:25,491
Now, maybe...
maybe-- Wait. Oh!

532
00:23:25,534 --> 00:23:28,581
Ha-ha! Ha!
Lookee here!

533
00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:30,321
What luck, huh?
Ha-ha!

534
00:23:30,365 --> 00:23:32,541
How about-- Colonel? Huh?

535
00:23:32,585 --> 00:23:34,935
And, uh, Corporal?

536
00:23:34,978 --> 00:23:36,458
Uh-huh.
And you guys?

537
00:23:36,502 --> 00:23:37,633
Thanks, Frank.

538
00:23:37,677 --> 00:23:38,852
Thank you, Frank.

539
00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:41,507
And, uh,
this is mine.

540
00:23:41,550 --> 00:23:42,943
HAWKEYE: Home, Radar.

541
00:24:02,702 --> 00:24:04,486
Hey. Look.

542
00:24:10,361 --> 00:24:11,362
[whispers] No.

543
00:24:14,235 --> 00:24:16,150
[mouthing]

544
00:24:18,239 --> 00:24:19,501
[speaking Korean]

545
00:24:19,545 --> 00:24:21,285
[Korean]

546
00:24:22,983 --> 00:24:24,680
-Sir!
-Aah!

547
00:24:24,724 --> 00:24:26,116
I think I've got the enemy.

548
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,901
I can hear their secrets!

549
00:24:27,944 --> 00:24:30,512
But you don't understand
the language.

550
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:34,211
If you people had any brains,
you'd give up. You hear me?

551
00:24:37,693 --> 00:24:39,695
[Korean]

552
00:24:41,567 --> 00:24:43,699
No one ever beat Uncle Sam!

553
00:24:43,743 --> 00:24:45,788
-We've never lost a war!
-Major.

554
00:24:45,832 --> 00:24:47,834
We never have,
and we never will!

555
00:24:47,877 --> 00:24:50,489
So you put that in your
opium pipe and smoke it!

556
00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,882
[laughing]

557
00:24:52,926 --> 00:24:55,145
-That's tellin' 'em, Major.
-Yeah.

558
00:25:06,417 --> 00:25:08,898
♪♪ [theme]